A Lamenaces Guide to Beanotown
by Jerex
Summary: learn about the characters and locations of Britains wildest town.


Walking about Beanotown

Why not visit Britain's liveliest town? No not Scunthorpe, Beanotown the only town named after everyone's favourite comic (Dandytown, Toppertown and Beezerville don't count as there rubbish) There are lots of things to do and see in Beanotown.

**Home to the famous**

Billy Whizz the worlds fastest boy (can do a four minute mile in 0.4 seconds if he isn't trying) watch out for a speeding blur in a tracksuit.

Cuthbert Cringeworthy Child super genius inventor of the shrink/enlarge ray, the zomberfying machine and the robot replacement kids. During school time he is employed as Class IIB's teacher's pet. Identified as a timid youth in a school uniform with a long conk.

General Jumbo commander of his very own remote control model army and all round good chap, rescues cat's from tree's helps little old ladies across the street, ect, ect. Wears a red uniform like outfit with a black TAC jacket and a military style cap, with his signature remote unit wrist controller.

Lord Snooty the immaculate Earl of Bunkerton and friends living in the ancestral castle home of the Bunkerton's just outside Beanotown. His Lordship often entertains famous and upper crust people in his stately home which is often reduced to a right state. Slightly old fashioned in a black top hat and suit.

The Colonel a retired war hero decorated several times during the bore war, and he hasn't lost his touch only last week he was decorated with a coat of emulsion fired from Dennis's new paint cannon. He has also received an OAP (Outstanding Award for Pottyness) as part of the prestigious F.O.G.G.Y. awards (Fantastic O'levels Give to old Geezers every Year) a natural born leader as praised by Admiral Nelson during the Napoleonic wars. His house opposite Dennis the Menace's is instantly recognisable it's the only one in Beanotown with sandbags and barbed wire in place of brick walls and wooden fencing. With a checkpoint and sentry box in place of a front gate and a Tank parked in the drive.

**And the…erm…Infamous**

Bash street kids, the world's worst behaved school kids narrowly beating the Blob street kids and Greytowers 6th form pupils. Danny (the leader since he gave everyone a sweet to let him be leader) Sidney (Toot's identical twin brother) Toots (Sidney's identical twin sister) Smiffy (his socks come in 3 strengths 1: Paralysing, 2: Deadly and 3: Fatal, and are powerful enough to fell an Elephant at 50 paces) Plug (the world's ugliest mug) Fatty (single handily keeps the takeaway food industry in profit) Spotty (has 285 spots his favourite of which is called Albert and is on his left elbow) Wilfred (has no personality and no neck) Erbert (the only safe place to stand when he practices archery is in front of the bull's-eye) identified by Skull and crossbones' emblazed across his pullover, Black crow's nest hair and blue and black stripped shirt, Red bow with black spot's over scruffy long black hair and a blue and black stripped jersey, Vacant expression hard head wears a yellow shirt, ugly mug under a yellow backward cap, extra large red jacket stretched over an extra large yellow pullover, has a spotted complexion that's easily spotted with a black and white tie, green jersey pulled up to his nose, black jacket with thick glasses.

Minnie the Minx sometimes called a female Dennis the menace much to her annoyance. A troublemaker who's if not Dennis's equal in menacing surely come's a close second. Red and black stripped jumper and a black beret with a red pom pom.

Roger the Dodger the slickest dodger outside Dodge city, with his faithful pet Joe the crow and a library of dodge books he's ready to dodge his way out of anything. Red and Black chequered jumper.

Gnasher and Gnipper a pair of wire Haired Abyssinian Tripe Hounds with teeth strong enough to give almost anything a good gnashing. Preferred food includes Bone's, Tripe and posties's Trousers. Scruffy black mongrels one with gleaming sharp fangs, the other with a single sickle shaped fang.

**And ****worse of all…the Biggest…the Best…the master menace himself…**

Dennis the Menace Self proclaimed most popular menace in Beanotown and with ten's of thousands of letters of complaint a week been delivered to his house it's hard to disagree. A crack shot with a catapult, a dead shot with a pea shooter, a master blaster with a water pistle along side his Dog Gnasher and his best mate's Curly and pie face he leads the charge of anarchy in Beanotown. Black spiky hair, Red and Black jumper, black shorts, nobly 'menace' knee's thick red socks.

If you see anyone matching the above description at any time Run!! Get away while you can or risk been Menaced or as he sometime's term's it Dennised.

**Location, location, Location**

Beanotown has many landmarks and locations of interest.

Bunkerton castle the ancestral home of the Lords of Bunkerton with a library of Beano annuals and Comic's. Many suit's of armour (not suitable for anyone under the age of twelve, doesn't come in size 40 or above.) Battlements suitable for waging battles on. Drawing room full of art supplies and a large heavily graffited collection of old masters. A dozen castle ghosts and two pint size fake white sheet wearing hooligans. Dungeons optional (if you behave.)

Bash Street: forget Blob Street, Forget Slob Street and forget Asbo Street, Bash Street is Beanotown's and indeed Britian's (award and indeed world record pending for worlds) wildest and most dangerous and terrifying backstreet. With its school been the most ghastly, old fashioned and underachieving school left open (as no other school would accept it's pupils)

The Menace Sheep farm just outside Beanotown is the only one in the world to breed and raise the incredibly rare Red and Black striped menace sheep whose wool is used to make Red and Black striped jumpers for Dennis and Minnie. Tourists are warned not to worry the sheep as they tend to terrify back.

The Softy's Chalet just follow the perfume pong to the field of pretty flowers where you'll find the lesser spotted softies in their natural habitat. This weak species is easily spooked and rendered endangered by their predators the sleek and cunning fearsome Menaces.

Dennis and the Dinmakers: a local rock band that regularly in and around Beanotown. With Din in the park most Wednesday mornings (Autographs not available as the band spends most afternoons been chased by sergeant Slipper) Performance for elderly (only band they can hear) on Thursdays at the local ADOFA (Ancient Decrepit Old Fossils association) they help out the foreman at the local Quarry on Fridays (saves on expensive explosives) Weekends off (to busy menacing) Monday tune up (tuneless playing for a few hours) hitting the local theatres and music spots on Tuesday (narrowly avoiding getting hit by angry music lovers.)

The Football grounds popular with a variety of teams Beanotown United, Beanotown Rovers, Beanotown City (and there all Rubbish) ignore them if you want Action! Exciting ball play! Drama! Overacting injuries and Really Dirty Fouling! You want to check out the under 16's five aside league.

Ball Boy's team: Captain BB, Striker Benjy, Chaser Titch, Defender Dimmy, Goalie Goalie.

Menace FC: Captain Dennis T. Menace, Striker Curly, Chaser Gnasher, Goalie pie-face (yes I know that's only four, but how many legs should they have? Ten and that's how many they have.)

Dodge City: Captain Roger T. Dodger, Striker Crafty Colin, Chaser Sneaky Pete, Defender Sly Sile, Goalie Tricky Dicky.

Bash Street United: Captain Deathhead Danny, Strikers Toot's and Sidney, Chasers Spotty, Wilfred and Smiffy, Defenders Fatty and Erbert, Goalie plug (yes I know that's nine aside but A they can't count and B who cares?)

Ash can Alley an alleyway deep in the heart of Beanotown sandwiched between Bash Street, Blob Street and Slob Street home to the 'Ash Can Alley Mob' the scruffy group of gangly youth's who hang out in the alley constantly beware attack's and encroachment from Bash, Blob and Slob street kids. As a result the Mob have developed Bin based defences with Bin lid shields and Bin made armour, Wheelie Bin carties and Rubbish as ammo, more specialist weapons are under construction including the Skip Tank the Bin Bag Balloon and the Triple-R (Rotten Rubbish Rocket.) conflicts have gone mainly in the mob's favour especially since they formed a pact with the bash Street Kids to support each other against the Blob and Slob Street Kids and now Saint Asbo's gang. In fact the major warfare the Mob are now seeing sparks of recent clashes against the Menaces, and so far Dennis and Co. are in the lead in terms of battles won but that may not be the case in future as it is rumoured that the mob are developing a new super secret weapon at the town dump.

**Certain landmarks have been created by Beanotowns more…eccentric and erratic personalities.**

Menace Hill: a famous historical landmark. The site of many pivotal battles such as Dennis the Menace Vs Nasty Norman during the 'Norman' conquests, a viscous and brutal battle with the Norman hordes assaulting Dennis with a full frontal assault, but Dennis held the high ground on Menace hill and went on to knock out all comers. And during the Conquer season Dennis's championship heck of a lotterer proceeded to dominate the tournament single handily knocking all the Bash Street kids out (in one case literally but it was ruled against a foul) after putting up with Spotty's snide remarks and boasting during the first leg of the tournament he was in no mood to take spotty's lip, the finals saw last years champion Dennis Vs shock newcomer Walter who came from nowhere with no skill and no apparent plan and shattered all opposition, it later transpires that he was using a ball bearing painted brown but even that couldn't dent Dennis's Knockout conquer which mashed Walters ball bearing to bits. And to this day Menace Hill remains deeply rooted in warfare as Dennis recently repelled the Softy's attempt to rechristen Menace Hill as Softy Hill.

If you were to climb up Menace hill and then down the other side and then if you were to follow Menace River over which Menace Bridge runs you would find that the winding river flows into Menace Lake in which Menace Island can be found, across and over on the other lakeside the Beanotown woods (often nicknamed Menace woods) stretch, and amongst the tallest of the tall tree's Dennis the Menace's tree house gang hut accessible only by a rope ladder and a rumoured secret entrance. Strangers enter at your own risk; it is unknown what Beanotowns naughtiest celebrity gets up to when he assembles with his mangy mutt Gnasher and his best mates Curly and pie-Face to plot Menacing plans of dark doom. The Menace Flag that flies the Menace coat of arms a Peashooter across a Catapult along with the motto "Menaces 4 Ever"

**In Conclusion**

Why not visit Beanotown? It's guaranteed that you'll never find a wilder town in the world. And Always remember "Never be without a Beano!"


End file.
